This is an essay I want to use with college apps. I’d be grateful if anyone would offer their criticism. The question is something like, "describe an event the changed you, that you learned from, etc." ...basically it's just a chance for them to get an idea of who I am. I need to cut it down. What's expendable? Also, I feel like it's melodramatic at times and the sentences are repetitive. Does the essay give enough of an idea of 'who i am'? Suggestions? Be as vicious as you can be…it makes better essays. Thanks. Peace. Last summer I set out on an outdoor leadership trip consisting of rock climbing, white water rafting, and backpacking. Halfway through the trip, our counselors met with each of us to discuss our development. "You're a strong person because you push the envelope...sometimes a little too far, though." Ian, one of the counselors, motioned to my swollen right hand. That morning I had been caught in a fierce round of "Hand Tennis," a senseless competition that determines if you can withstand more smacks to the back of your hand than your opponent. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why not always push the limits?” Later that week we began white water rafting. Despite being an amateur, the challenge of more advanced rapids appealed to my more audacious nature, so I was the first to voice my approval to the proposition of a class IV rapid (the most difficult being class V). Apparently, I spoke too soon: one sharp turn we didn’t make in time and the rapids promptly thrust our raft against a boulder until completely vertical. I reached out to grab a friend who was halfway immersed in water. Despite my good intentions, my impulsive move resulted in the shift of weight that did us in; we capsized in the middle of a class IV rapid. My body crashed into the water. I felt my legs smash against the rocky floor of the river. I was dragged swiftly through the water at the will of the river’s sheer force. My futile attempts to swim seemed only to encourage the water, suppressing my movements even further. Suddenly I wasn’t being dragged along the river anymore. I had been sucked into what’s called a ‘hole’: Mother Nature’s version of a washing machine. I was relentlessly tumbling, spinning, hurtling - but still struggling and resisting for what seemed like hours. I used every measure of strength I could sum up with my quickly declining oxygen supply and swam - not even in a particular direction. I just didn't want to give up at a time like this. My life didn’t flash before my eyes, I saw no light at the end of a tunnel; I wasn’t about to waste valuable time or brain power on self-pity. However, the might of the river swiftly reduced my glorified intrepid swim for survival to mere underwater flailing. It was like being caught in quicksand; the more I moved the more control I lost. Then I remembered… while learning the basics of rafting, we were told, “If caught in a hole, don’t fight it. If you relax, the river, along with your lifejacket, will bring you to the surface.” So if I simply cease my unproductive thrashing, I should be spit out of the hole. But was I just giving up? Did I subconsciously just want to rest my increasingly weary limbs? As panic and fear (and carbon dioxide) threatened to consume me, my common sense deemed inaction the best action. I relaxed every muscle in my body, relinquishing all control to the river. My body was thrown through the cycle once or twice more, and then: stillness. Despite (or maybe because of) all my incredible fearlessness, I’ll be constantly faced with messy, complex, or extremely difficult situations. I’ll always know when to push the envelope; but I’ll also know when stop before giving myself a nasty paper cut. I’m quite literally pushing the envelope towards the [name of college] at the moment; but I know that the matter is now out of my hands. I look forward to all the envelopes and challenges awaiting me in [city of college]. But I’ll bring band-aids. Just in case.
It's not bad. I might concentrate less on the details of your experience and more on the lessons. I would like to hear more about you in other contexts- give a broader picture of yourself. It could also be longer.
One way to shorten something is to look for unnecessary details: If I were the person to whom this was submitted, I'd expect you to have made great progress in thinking of an answer to that question in the time since the trip. This is an important measure of who you are. If you don't have one, that says a lot about you too. This is your first chance to tell me how this trip changed you and what you learned, and I get the impression that you maybe don't know the answer to that! I'm not a rafter, so your long-winded explanation of how you got into trouble is more than I need to know. If you were writing this for a sports magazine then it's interesting reading. But if you're trying for concision, cut it way down. You write a good, engaging narrative and if this were an assignment in a writing class I would give you a good grade. You write better than almost everyone whose writing I've had to grade or critique. But you're looking for ways to shorten this and that is a different skill. Try to condense this account of the rafting accident. The reader wants to know how it changed you and what you learned from it, not how white-water rafting works. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Again, this is wonderful narrative writing. But it's not what this person wants. This style is a little like naturalism. You need to strive for something more philosophical. I'm more than halfway through this and I still don't know what you learned or how it changed you. Wonderful writing style. A-plus for that. But too many words on description, not enough on introspection. This assignment is not to tell a story, it is to fulfil a specific requirement. You have to focus. It's like you're pouring your heart into writing a heavy metal song for me, and what I asked you for was a Viennese waltz. Here we go. That's a little bit about what you've learned. Let's see how it changed you. Now I'm looking at the content rather than the style, so forgive the digression. But I have to say I don't see how that conclusion follows from the first sentence. You don't explain how you got from A to B. In the adventure of which you're writing, you didn't stop. You only remembered your safety lesson at the last second, before you ran out of strength and oxygen. The previous example of the crazy hand game left the same impression. You did something that hurt yourself and kind of laughed it off, then next thing I know you're going off on a really dangerous rafting trip and making a number of mistakes because you're apparently not quite as good at it as you thought you were. I'm really wondering what you actually did learn from this experience, if anything. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Very good use of metaphor. You are an excellent writer. I've pointed out a couple of places where you can remove quite a few words because this is not a fiction contest, although in each case you'll have to do some rewriting to maintain the content and the continuity. My concern is that I can see this through the eyes of the admissions officer and I'm a little puzzled by what I see. I've read resumes as a hiring manager so I'm not totally inexperienced at this sort of thing. I'm wondering why I should "hire" you. I suggest that you absolutely sit down and come up with something you learned--something that makes you look like a bright kid whom I want in my college, not just a good writer. Frankly I'd take you just for your writing ability but you can't depend on everyone feeling that way. If you didn't learn anything, then it's time to develop your skills as a fiction writer. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Thanks a lot, Fraggle, this was quite helpful. I'm working through a second draft right now and I'm definitely moving towards a philosophical approach and focusing more on the ordeal's effects on me, not description. Thanks again!
