At one time i collected fart stories from people i know, and fart jokes too. Here's some of them, i'll share more when i get back in a week. Mother to her child: "Mind your shorts, honey -- farts don't come cheap." "Once when visiting a sick friend in the hospital I got on an elevator. Earlier I had ate some greasy food in the cafeteria. My stomach was a mess but I tried to hold it in. There were a few people on the elevator. I got off on the 4th floor and just as I walked out, I laid a huge fart. I heard someone coughing. It was funny because as the doors closed it trapped the fart inside." "My younger brother was sitting in front of the TV playing Nintendo one hot summer day when my friend Gino stopped by. Gino can be hilarious but he can also be kind of a jerk. Gino, like any normal man, decides it would be really funny to grab my brother's head and fart on it. My brother didn't think it was so funny. Gino didn't get the response he was after so this time, he dropped his shorts and tried to give my brother a bare-assed face fart. I was sitting behind the two of them on the couch and I will never for get what I saw next. At light speed, midway through the fart, a little football-shaped turdlet escaped and landed on my brother's bare foot. It took the three of us half an hour to regain our collective breath. I'm sitting here laughing as I type. Go Gino!" How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell. Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew." A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first. "No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second. "No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again. At this the nurse pops her head through the door, saying, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B," The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam, I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool." A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps." This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook. The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes." The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans. "Hey, this ain't what I ordered," he bellows. "Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up." A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time. After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!" "Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog," Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, out! Out!" The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts, "Get out Rex, quick! Before he shits all over you!" Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This one was a real blue ribbon winner -- the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. One day a man and his wife where in bed naked after having sex and the man turned to his wife and said, "Do you want to play a game of football?" The wife says, "How would we play we don't have a football?" The man says "Well, when you FART you get a touchdown and a fieldgoal." The wife says OK so she lets a big one go and says, "7 points." The man farts 2 times and says, "14 points." The wife ties the game. This goes on for about 20 minutes and the score is 28 to 35 with the wife winning. So the man strains real hard for about 10 seconds and lets a really wet one go and craps all over his side of the bed. The wife does not know that he did this, so she says, "What now?" He smiles and says, "It's half-time -- we switch sides." One day 2 men were sitting in an bar and one man says, "Let's play football." The other man says, "How? We don't have a football." The first man says, "If you fart you get a fieldgoal, if you burp you get a touchdown." So they start to play, and the first guy burps and farts to get 7 points, the second guy then gets the same. The second guy says, "You're pretty good at this." The first guy burps and gets his touchdown, and is trying to fart for the fieldgoal, but the other man quickly sticks his dick up the first man's butt and says, "I blocked it."
Some jokes I found on a school computer. Be advised some of them are pretty racy. Lykan that last one was off the wall... They were just there so I emailed them to myself: Insults I was at this party last night and I doubled-dipped. Yup, once in your mom, once in your sister. (To be used on short person) It's not my fault you can't go on the good rides in Disney. My vibrator is bigger than that, and it has a higher IQ too I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person. Yeah, I'd love to fuck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT! What's the best sex position for making ugly babies?Ask Your Mom! Are your parents cousins? Do your parents know your gay? Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast? You're, so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mom. Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. I know cement that gets hard faster than you. Tell your mother to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am getting a damn rainbow around my dick. Go floss your teeth with the sweaty hairs on my ass. Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them. Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A. Cause it said concentrate. Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A. Humpme Dumpme Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? A. More leg-room! Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators? A. They chip their teeth. Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A. Fertilized Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A. More headroom Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob? A. Because everyone gets a turn. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball. Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets! Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. Frosted Flakes Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil. Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? A. They both swallowed a lot of semen. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board. Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? A. Brain tumor. Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A. So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry.... Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A. Because they both drip when they're fucked! Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A. "Way to go team!" Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A. FULL Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A. She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. So she could lip read. Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You get to park in the handicap zone. Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A. Pregnant Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A. Not everyone has been in a 747? Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde? A. Butter is difficult to spread. Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A. Artificial intelligence. Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad breath. Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common? A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex? A. She opens the car door. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!! Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are? A. Play ball! Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic. Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? A. She sold her car for it... Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?" Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? A. Because they have blond boyfriends Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A. Their both empty from the neck up Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked. Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A. A blow job with handlebars Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet? A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion. Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? A. It has a stamp on it. Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A. A wine and cheese party! Q. How do you drown a blonde? A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy. Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q. How does a blonde part their hair? A. By doing the splits. Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A. Nothing, they haven't met! Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables. Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too. Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again! Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A. There is white out on the screen. Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? A. Open 24 hours a day. Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? A. To feed the toilet duck! Brunette (hehe the tables have turned) Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? A. Brown-bagging it. Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? A. No one else wants it. Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? A. Invisible. Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A. A hostage Q. Who makes bras for brunettes? A. Fisher-Price Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? A. It matches their mustache. Q. What's a brunette's mating call? A. "Has the blonde left yet? " Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color? A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party? A. The invitation
Pretty funny, Pollux! But now I get the horrible feeling that you'll get flamed by any female who reads this and has any hair at all. And maybe the bald ones will flame you for discrimination.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
