Facing thirty: Notes from the threshhold

With just over five minutes to go, I have to say that it's not particularly depressing a thought to face my thirtieth birthday. There is a strange solitude over the evening, something anticlimactic almost exactly like a worn-out myth. Much like the superstition of God, I can feel the right and proper superstitions of a hollow social milestone creeping about the edge of the flickering shadows.

The fire still burns bright; I'm Peter Fucking Pan. A recent article that I don't care to go look up for y'all noted that Americans consider adulthood as something that occurs approximately between the ages of 21 and 26, and involves several milestones, including the finishing of school, the attainment of a full-time job, financial independence from the parents, and also considerations such as marriage and reproduction.

Generally speaking, I'm not there yet. Of that list, only two conditions mark my present: I am two and a half minutes from turning thirty, and I have a child.

And don't think for a minute that a child is a good reason to "grow up". Quite the opposite. What façade could I construct that would successfully deceive my daughter? Certes, my mother managed to hide certain family problems from my brother and I until I was 25, and I'm quite sure there's one or two "surprises" left in the closet, but come on: your kids will see right through you when you're lying. It's only by mounting enough lies on top of one another that you can convince a child that reality is something other than it is. Come on ... all of my wisdom amounts to less than I understood of the world when I started kindergarten. Cracks and shards, to be that bright again ....

But can I really bury my vampiric lust for certain intangible aspects of youth--innocent wisdom not the least among them--beneath a veneer of faux-adulthood? How stupid do I expect my daughter to be?

There ... now I've gone and done it. I've gone and turned thirty. A simple thought to share as I light this joint and listen to the wisdom of Tommy Shaw:

And if I close my eyes, and breathe just so, I'm twelve years old again and I can almost smell the summer ....

Tragic nostalgia?

Hardly. Intoxicating beauty. It stings though, like liquor burns. But it's not the same.

It's not the same as genuine, intoxicating youth.

Nostalgia is like any other treat; stare at it too long and it gets stale and crusty.

But why grow up? I have a daughter. Heaven knows the last thing she needs is an old curmudgeon running around and hollering about the same sort of crap that helped me learn to resent reality.

Or, in the words of the Floyd, "Thought I'd something more to say."

Be good, have peace.

Notes:

° Rilke, Sixth Letter - Burnham translation. Rilke, Ranier M. Letters to a Young Poet. Joan M. Burnham, trans. San Rafael: New World Library, 1992.


:m:,
Tiassa

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to sum it all up.... you feel you've reached the ripe old age of 30 without accomplishing anything worthwhile? correct me if i'm wrong, but from your thread i got the impression that you think you won't be a good enough father. all i can say is just stick with it and try and do whatcomes naturally. you seem intelligent....so i guess you'll make a good father.

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I am gaining on 32.
My 30th birthday came and went without me even noticing it.
I didn't dread it.
I didn't feel differently after it.
It was not some milestone for me.
It was just another day.

Then again, I don't have a child and don't ever plan on it.
I dropped out of high school, and plan on starting college within the next year or two.
I have been working regularly since I was 13, and full time since I was 17.
I am financially independent.
I guess I don;t really fit into the mold of the article.

I also don't have a fear of aging.
I actually look forward to it on some level.

The only adult birthday that affected me in any way was my 25th.

I remember the moment that I noticed I was no longer in the "18 - 24" age group while filling out some survey of something.

I saw 25 as the end of my youth.

I imagine 40 might have some affect on me, but I thought the same thing about 30 when I was 21.

I guess I will see.

I am in no rush to find out, nor do I want to keep it at bay.
Age really means very little to me.
Maybe I am just weird.

One thing I related to on a core level was a line from "Fight Club".
Tyler and Jack were talking in the bathroom about marriage.
Jack said, "I am a thrity year old boy."
That's how I felt.

 

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Wow ... I know that feeling

That one nailed me, too. It was the personal ads in The Stranger that we all read for amusement that did it. When I realized I was too old for the vinyl frog princess ... damn.

Life happens.

:m:,
Tiassa

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I really felt a difference when I turned 30, no really easy way to describe it but the word I used at the time was, 'intergrated'. As though everything had come together, like I was a whole thing being raised to some new level. I won't say, I felt like a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon, for that would imply something else, but the feeling was nonetheless similar in its impact. No, I would say I felt more like a dog might feel turning 3 or 4, subtle changes, a gain in confidence, a damping down of the madness in the spirit, a more, dare I say it? More sober outlook on life (but I'm not talking abstinence:m:

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)

I think it's natural and desirable to feel the changes, otherwise one could end up with a big shock, waking up one day and just realising how pathetically old they really are.

You've heard of the male menopause? Well I've been there as well, hell I think I'm only just coming out of it.

I'm 50 and it started in my late 30's. Not that I did anything really mad or risque, but again I felt the changes, the anxieties, the temptations, a reversion to a much less sober outlook... I actually acquired a type of teenage fuck-you sort of attitude!

Ofcourse, personal circumstances play a very special role in the way that one perceives their passage through time.

 

I'll never be satisfied with my age. Right now, I want to be older.

Turning fifteen was one of the happiest moments of my life. It meant that I was closer to not being an adolescent anymore. Likewise, turning sixteen will probably be even better.

 

I'm turning 30 this September and just like the movie, it's a bug's life, I'll be breaking out of my cocoon, celebrating my new thirty years old wings and screaming..."I'm a beautifull butterfly"

 

Pollux V, you are a baby, I mean you are so so young. illigally young....Wow, I'm impressed now, I couldn't write half as well as you do when I was 15.

To think of if, If had a baby when I was 14, he would be your age...

 

Ehh i turned 19 and i didn't even notice...my b-day was just another day to me...which hit me hard because usually i would be fluttering in joy from the joy of another year of wisdom passing over me but this year it was rather dull. I guess the old age is going to hit me hard because even at the ripe young age of 19 i act as if i was a tired 65 year old man who has nothing but his own feeble mind to carry him through the monotony of life...it's funny because i have a amazing life with a family to be proud of so why be this way??? who knows...i gues we are all getting old at heart huh

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BTW Flores nice to see you back.

 

Flores, I'm surprised that you seem er, surprised that Pollux V is so young. Yes, a lot of the posters here are actually still in their teens and some seem too intelligent for their own good!

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I think pollux V is going through, one of the most daunting, age related experiences that he is likely to, in his life. That teenage period sucks for just about everyone.

But isn't it funny how age seems to matter a lot mostly to children and probably, under-achievers? (I don't know, that just sort of came into my wochoumacallit, train of thought thing--can't prove it)

A child of 10 will look up to a 12 year old with respect, a 15 year old will do the same with a 20 year old. To an 18 year old, anyone over 25 is past it. A 30 year old will think, 40 isn't too old. A 40 year old will think, hey 60 is young! A 50 year old, starts to wish he's going to be at least 85 and still feeling groovy when he kicks it.

 

Happy birthday!

 

Scattered thoughts ahead...

It's not that I don't enjoy being an adolescent. The lack of responsibility is one that I doubt I'll ever experience again. Last summer I didn't have a job, in fact, I did whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. All I had to worry about was September 1st, the day school started. Every other day was free. I do fine in school, I have plenty of friends...

But, you see, I've always been young. Always. So as you'd expect, being always young, a person would tend to get tired of being young. Illegally young

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It's somewhat of a dilemna...I have this giddy need to be older, to be writing for terrific sums of money, to be changing the world for the better. I've always been like this--I've always wanted to be incredible, to be a worshipped idol. I'm terrified that this stage will never end, that fifteen years from now I'll still be craving the attention of the mass media, of the world. It's a stage that I'm worried will never take me anywhere, that'll never end.

And so, while I want the future, desperately, while I would give anything to be out on my own, doing my own thing without grades to worry about or useless assignments to fret over, my future may be and probably will be as monotonous as it is now. I want more out of my life. I want to be succesful. While I try to work toward it every way that I can (by reading and writing and learning through various outlets) I just...don't know. I'm afraid that I won't be satisfied with whatever fate hands me because I've never been satisfied before. When I get old I'll want to be young. When I'm dying I'll want to live. I'm convinced that I'll never, ever be where I want to be.

So, in conclusion: when we're young, we look forward to the future, when we're old, we dread it. Regardless of career success....

 

Stop depressing me!

 

i wonder why parents are so adamant on their kids reachin those milestones durin that time period... its like ur a fuckin failure if you dont accomplish all those things.. im 23 and im doin my degree at my own pace.. nothin is ever good enuf for parents tho'.. anywayz, that's another discussion.. that para just really struck me when i was readin the thread... dont mean to hijack your thread tiassa... happy b'day...

 

Re: Scattered thoughts ahead...

Pollux V, just out of curiousity, are you an only child?

Your ambitions are actually, pretty huge, very difficult to attain. But, if you truly have the talent, a very thick skin and plenty of stamina, then go for it and good luck to you sir. You just might reach those giddy heights one day, but even if you don't, then at least you'd be satisfied that you'd tried.

But fame isn't all that it's cracked up to be. You lose your privacy, you get badgered everywhere you go and so you escape, you become a recluse, a druggy, an alcoholic, you create your own society in your own world in the grounds of your multi zillion dollar mansion, become an insane keeper of chimpanzees and pet children etc

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When I was 18, I wanted to be a famous rock star. I played in 2 bands and started paying my dues. I thought that music was my life and that I could never give up performing (I used to be a bit of a showman) One day, when I was 21, I jammed with some real shit hot musicians and I realised that I didn't want to do this anymore. Why, you may ask? Because, those musicians were in their 40's, on drugs and really poor, almost destitute and I could not envisage myself being in that position when I reached 40 (I'd gotten married at 19... yes, 19 and I felt a responsibility towards my wife). Instead, I used my creativity in business, was successful and retired at 37--I just didn't want anymore money, once I had enough to live modestly comfortably (for the rest of my life). Now, to fill up those holes, I record album's worth of music and write huge novels purely for my own amusement and have terrific fun doing it, totally free to do whatever I fkn' want to artistically.

An ambition of sorts is still there but I'm such a cynical realist that I won't even try to get my work published/released and it feels fine.

 

Maybe it's my naivete, then. A lack of experience. Maybe this is just a drawn out phase, maybe it isn't. Only time and survival will tell.

No, I'm not an only child. I have a sister, who is about a year and half younger than myself. Why do you ask?

 

Sargentlard, you sound very seasoned for your age. 19 is hard, I remember when I was 19 and 20 and even 21, I felt very insecure about everything. I had great things going in my life like you and great family, but I was too afraid if all this build up in my life and schooling and all might amount to finally nothing and disapointment for me and everyone. I was also scared of the majic day when I'll be financially responsible. Could I get a good job, would I be able to hold it. I was afraid I would never marry, ect.ect....

You might say, I don't feel afraid, but deep done, all those questions are in your mind and they are weighing you down and even depressing you. One by one you'll tackle your life and things will start falling in place, right now enjoy and be strong being an alien.....not really a kid or an adult....

 

hey fuckers, quit whining. I'm turning 34 in like a week or something!

*runs away skeered*

LOL

Happy b-day and face it, we all get old, it sucks! I was thinking that by this time those gene geeks would have some good shit for us too. Lazy bastards.

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Because I also felt this need to be great and rich and famous.

Writing the previous post, I had an insight that maybe I was like that because I was an only child and had nobody to impress at home... or maybe, subconciously, I just wanted to impress my parents, by being super successful at something unconventional and which I'd chosen to do. I think they used to think that I was be a little bit dim, because I was always sensible, didn't demand things and never spoke too much.

I guess wanting to be bigger than life is a desire that evolves in your childhood and must be based on some sort of frustration at home.

 

Wow...um..you basically tackeled everything there...damn you're good...thank you

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.

I guess it's that way right now because i am anticipating changes right now(not puberty for the perverts in mind

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). Oh well if time is to change me then let it for i am only it's puppet. I am what i was, i am what i am and i will be what i am now.....only better and stronger.......*opens bottle of 180 proof liquor*...here here, a toast to all for those who have gained wisdom through getting old and have becaome a better person today than they were yesterday. Age isn't a number but a brutal teacher who you are glad was there for you.