GeoffP
07-12-07, 12:25 PM
Ahem.
There are various levels of "sad". "Sad" is defined by GeoffP's Dictionary as "something that makes you shake your head in mournful disbelief, or collapse onto the ground laughing hysterically, all semblance at a connection to sanity irrevocably shattered". "Sad" crops up from time to time. Witness if you will: One level of "sad" for the story below would be that anyone in Basra actually believes it. (And people say I watch too much sci-fi.)
The second would be where YAHOO NEWS carries it in their "World" section, and not in their "Things People on Crack Might Believe" section.
Then there's the part where the reporter (Jamil, below) is so apparently unoccupied in quiet, tranquil, un-factionized Basra that he has the time on his hands to post the story.
Or the Iraqi scientists and the one vet (Azzam) who have to take their time away from more fruitful subjects like dodging RPGs to investigate and deny the existence of the subjects in question.
And, finally, the last level of "sad" is the part of the story where British troops have to make a statement denying the story.
Sad.
But funny!
But sad.
Giant badgers terrorise Iraqi port city
by Karim Jamil
Wed Jul 11, 11:51 AM ET
BASRA, Iraq (AFP) - The Iraqi port city of Basra, already prey to a nasty turf war between rival militia factions, has now been gripped by a new fear -- a giant badger stalking the streets by night.
Local farmers have caught and killed several of the beasts, but this has done nothing to dispel rumours of a bear-like monster that eats humans and was allegedly released into the area by British forces to spread panic.
I assume by "beasts" they only mean the normal, homicidal bloodthirsty badgers common to the region. Although a badger did bite my thumb once. But it was only because I poked it with a stick. My brother laughed at me, the sectarian bastard. Anyway, it looks like the "plan" has worked:
Iraqi scientists have attempted to calm the public but, amid the confusion and mistrust spawned by the ongoing guerrilla war, the story has spread like wildfire in the streets of the city and the villages round about.
OK. Exactly how confused do you have to be to believe in giant badgers? Like, near-miss from a mortar round confused? A 120mm close thump will definitely ring your bell, I admit, but most people just lie on the ground and groan a bit.
Mushtaq Abdul-Mahdi, director of Basra's veterinary hospital, has inspected the corpses of several dead badgers and tries to reassure his fellow citizens that they are not a new post-war arrival in the region.
"These animals appeared before the fall of the regime in 1986. They are known as Al-Ghirayri and locally as Al-Girta," he told AFP. "Talk that this animal was brought by the British forces is incorrect and unscientific."
No way.
British troops have been based in Basra since the 2003 US-led invasion overthrew dictator Saddam Hussein, and the 5,500 that remain still face the threat of Shiite militias battling for the region's oil resources.
They also have to battle the Iraqi rumour mill, as locals are quick to blame them for almost any calamity that befalls the area -- including an apparent plague of vicious badgers with long claws and powerful jaws.
British army spokesman Major David Gell said the animals were thought to be a kind of honey badger -- melivora capensis -- which can be fierce but are not usually dangerous to humans unless provoked.
"They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They're nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don't stalk humans and carry them back to their lair," he said.
They mostly come at night.
Mostly.
Both the scientists and the soldiers agree that the badger ought not to be a danger to humans, but so far they have failed to reassure the populace.
"I was sleeping at night when this strange animal hit me on my head. I have not seen such an animal before. My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," said Suad Hassan, a 30-year-old housewife.
"It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey. It runs so quickly."
Cell phone video of the badgers circulating in Basra shows a stocky skunk-like animal with long front claws.
Who the hell gets 'monster badger' from this?
The honey badger, or ratel, is known as a brave predator capable of killing a cobra. It weighs up to 14 kilos (30 pounds), not usually known as man-eater.
:rolleyes:
Next, we talk to the locals, because in giant monster cases, that always clears things up.
Sattar Jabbar, a 50-year-old local farmer from Abu Sakhar north of Basra, believes the badger can tackle even large prey.
"I saw it three days ago at night attacking animals. It even ate a cow. It tore the cow up piece by piece. I tried to shoot it with my gun but it ran away into the orchards. I missed it," he said.
In Iraq there can be only one explanation for an animal so vicious.
We're listening.
"I believe this animal appeared following a raid to the region by the British forces," said Ali Mohsen, a farmer in his 40s from Karmat Ali, near the air base used by the multinational force.
"As we are close to the airport, they probably released this animal into the area," he reasoned.
Reasoned.
We just stopped listening.
This is like asking a swamp-dweller from Arkansas whether he thinks the gov'mint or aliens released the Skunk Bigfoot that's been terrorizing and sexually molesting his chickens. It's a no-winner. But it gets better.
Amid such tales, there is little experts like Dr Ghazi Yaqub Azzam, deputy dean of the veterinary college, can do to reassure his neighbours.
"Its nature is to eat small animals like hens and rats. It has powerful senses of hearing and smell. It gets aggressive if senses danger, but it doesn't attack man unless threatened," he said.
Azzam speculated that the badgers were being driven towards the city because Iraq is trying to re-flood marshland north of Basra that was drained by Saddam in order to persecute local Marsh Arab tribes.
For all that, the British army thinks Basrawis have little to fear.
The cavalier bastards.
"If you cornered it and poked it with a stick, then the smart money would be on the badger," warned Gell, who has faced many rumours like this one in his tour in Iraq.
You're not helping, here. And how many such rumours has he faced?
And the finale:
"We have not released giant badgers in Basra," he said, "and nor have we been collecting eggs and releasing serpents into the Shatt al-Arab river."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070711/wl_mideast_afp/iraqunrestanimal
Thankyou, thankyou.
"And, furthermore," Gell added as the reporters tried to turn off their mikes, "We are not in league with Lord Volde - I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and neither are we attempting to breed dragons to rain a torrent of fire down on southern Iraq. Neither have we any overt alliance with Sauron, and the Chupacabra is not a member of the British Army."
As reporters attempted to flee the tent, abandoning much of their equipment, Gell pursued them, hurling vials filled with alien DNA and shouting "We don't know anything about any mole people! Bigfoot is not on our payroll! The Loch Ness monster is real, but we didn't bring him! We are not employing extraterrestrials to kidnap people from Basra and toy with their anuses! Anii! Whichever! We are not led by Satan!
Come back, come back, we have more things to deny!"
I would like to believe this Yahoo news reporter was just a-foolin' with all us big city folks. I would. I really would.
If you'll excuse me, the Lizardoids and I are discussing what to do with the souls of people who post on debate sites...
...or not.
There are various levels of "sad". "Sad" is defined by GeoffP's Dictionary as "something that makes you shake your head in mournful disbelief, or collapse onto the ground laughing hysterically, all semblance at a connection to sanity irrevocably shattered". "Sad" crops up from time to time. Witness if you will: One level of "sad" for the story below would be that anyone in Basra actually believes it. (And people say I watch too much sci-fi.)
The second would be where YAHOO NEWS carries it in their "World" section, and not in their "Things People on Crack Might Believe" section.
Then there's the part where the reporter (Jamil, below) is so apparently unoccupied in quiet, tranquil, un-factionized Basra that he has the time on his hands to post the story.
Or the Iraqi scientists and the one vet (Azzam) who have to take their time away from more fruitful subjects like dodging RPGs to investigate and deny the existence of the subjects in question.
And, finally, the last level of "sad" is the part of the story where British troops have to make a statement denying the story.
Sad.
But funny!
But sad.
Giant badgers terrorise Iraqi port city
by Karim Jamil
Wed Jul 11, 11:51 AM ET
BASRA, Iraq (AFP) - The Iraqi port city of Basra, already prey to a nasty turf war between rival militia factions, has now been gripped by a new fear -- a giant badger stalking the streets by night.
Local farmers have caught and killed several of the beasts, but this has done nothing to dispel rumours of a bear-like monster that eats humans and was allegedly released into the area by British forces to spread panic.
I assume by "beasts" they only mean the normal, homicidal bloodthirsty badgers common to the region. Although a badger did bite my thumb once. But it was only because I poked it with a stick. My brother laughed at me, the sectarian bastard. Anyway, it looks like the "plan" has worked:
Iraqi scientists have attempted to calm the public but, amid the confusion and mistrust spawned by the ongoing guerrilla war, the story has spread like wildfire in the streets of the city and the villages round about.
OK. Exactly how confused do you have to be to believe in giant badgers? Like, near-miss from a mortar round confused? A 120mm close thump will definitely ring your bell, I admit, but most people just lie on the ground and groan a bit.
Mushtaq Abdul-Mahdi, director of Basra's veterinary hospital, has inspected the corpses of several dead badgers and tries to reassure his fellow citizens that they are not a new post-war arrival in the region.
"These animals appeared before the fall of the regime in 1986. They are known as Al-Ghirayri and locally as Al-Girta," he told AFP. "Talk that this animal was brought by the British forces is incorrect and unscientific."
No way.
British troops have been based in Basra since the 2003 US-led invasion overthrew dictator Saddam Hussein, and the 5,500 that remain still face the threat of Shiite militias battling for the region's oil resources.
They also have to battle the Iraqi rumour mill, as locals are quick to blame them for almost any calamity that befalls the area -- including an apparent plague of vicious badgers with long claws and powerful jaws.
British army spokesman Major David Gell said the animals were thought to be a kind of honey badger -- melivora capensis -- which can be fierce but are not usually dangerous to humans unless provoked.
"They are native to the region but rare in Iraq. They're nocturnal carnivores with a fearsome reputation, but they don't stalk humans and carry them back to their lair," he said.
They mostly come at night.
Mostly.
Both the scientists and the soldiers agree that the badger ought not to be a danger to humans, but so far they have failed to reassure the populace.
"I was sleeping at night when this strange animal hit me on my head. I have not seen such an animal before. My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," said Suad Hassan, a 30-year-old housewife.
"It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey. It runs so quickly."
Cell phone video of the badgers circulating in Basra shows a stocky skunk-like animal with long front claws.
Who the hell gets 'monster badger' from this?
The honey badger, or ratel, is known as a brave predator capable of killing a cobra. It weighs up to 14 kilos (30 pounds), not usually known as man-eater.
:rolleyes:
Next, we talk to the locals, because in giant monster cases, that always clears things up.
Sattar Jabbar, a 50-year-old local farmer from Abu Sakhar north of Basra, believes the badger can tackle even large prey.
"I saw it three days ago at night attacking animals. It even ate a cow. It tore the cow up piece by piece. I tried to shoot it with my gun but it ran away into the orchards. I missed it," he said.
In Iraq there can be only one explanation for an animal so vicious.
We're listening.
"I believe this animal appeared following a raid to the region by the British forces," said Ali Mohsen, a farmer in his 40s from Karmat Ali, near the air base used by the multinational force.
"As we are close to the airport, they probably released this animal into the area," he reasoned.
Reasoned.
We just stopped listening.
This is like asking a swamp-dweller from Arkansas whether he thinks the gov'mint or aliens released the Skunk Bigfoot that's been terrorizing and sexually molesting his chickens. It's a no-winner. But it gets better.
Amid such tales, there is little experts like Dr Ghazi Yaqub Azzam, deputy dean of the veterinary college, can do to reassure his neighbours.
"Its nature is to eat small animals like hens and rats. It has powerful senses of hearing and smell. It gets aggressive if senses danger, but it doesn't attack man unless threatened," he said.
Azzam speculated that the badgers were being driven towards the city because Iraq is trying to re-flood marshland north of Basra that was drained by Saddam in order to persecute local Marsh Arab tribes.
For all that, the British army thinks Basrawis have little to fear.
The cavalier bastards.
"If you cornered it and poked it with a stick, then the smart money would be on the badger," warned Gell, who has faced many rumours like this one in his tour in Iraq.
You're not helping, here. And how many such rumours has he faced?
And the finale:
"We have not released giant badgers in Basra," he said, "and nor have we been collecting eggs and releasing serpents into the Shatt al-Arab river."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070711/wl_mideast_afp/iraqunrestanimal
Thankyou, thankyou.
"And, furthermore," Gell added as the reporters tried to turn off their mikes, "We are not in league with Lord Volde - I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and neither are we attempting to breed dragons to rain a torrent of fire down on southern Iraq. Neither have we any overt alliance with Sauron, and the Chupacabra is not a member of the British Army."
As reporters attempted to flee the tent, abandoning much of their equipment, Gell pursued them, hurling vials filled with alien DNA and shouting "We don't know anything about any mole people! Bigfoot is not on our payroll! The Loch Ness monster is real, but we didn't bring him! We are not employing extraterrestrials to kidnap people from Basra and toy with their anuses! Anii! Whichever! We are not led by Satan!
Come back, come back, we have more things to deny!"
I would like to believe this Yahoo news reporter was just a-foolin' with all us big city folks. I would. I really would.
If you'll excuse me, the Lizardoids and I are discussing what to do with the souls of people who post on debate sites...
...or not.