An ONION funny (but true?)

Discussion in 'World Events' started by machaon, Oct 3, 2002.

  1. machaon Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    734
    Mobile/PDA | Print Edition | Text Version

    VOLUME 38 ISSUE 36 2 OCTOBER 2002
    Front Page News Previous Issue Archives




    UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.


    "As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the world," said Bush in his 25-minute address. "With its military might, it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world's nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient."

    According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet; detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.

    In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.

    "After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose wishes matter."

    Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.

    "Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president of Iraq," Bush said. "The time has come for this man to step down, because we want him to."


    Above: A sampling of the details of the Bush plan.
    In addition to enabling the U.S. to address foreign crises, Bush said his plan will help solve many of the nation's domestic problems.

    "While there exist many grave threats to America abroad, we suffer still more problems—from unemployment to a lack of quality, affordable housing—right here at home," Bush said. "After this resolution is passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land. This would solve the housing shortage, create thousands of construction jobs, and improve our nation's environment, all in one fell swoop."

    As much of a boon as it would be to America, Bush stressed that his plan will also benefit the rest of the world, giving foreigners greater access than ever to American goods and entertainment.

    "From the Beijing businessman who treats his family to dinner at KFC to the New Delhi textile worker who unwinds after a hard day's work by watching Friends, the world community has embraced our many wonderful cultural and commercial exports," Bush said. "As part of my plan, the U.S. will be allowed to export its products tariff-free, while other countries' goods will be subject to heavy taxes. This will help ensure that people the world over will continue to enjoy our computers, DVDs, and soft drinks, free of the clutter of competing non-American goods on their store shelves."

    Bush concluded his speech by calling upon the U.N. to fly an extra-large U.S. flag outside its headquarters, high above the other member nations' flags.

    "From the Monroe Doctrine to our ignoring of the Kyoto Treaty, America has always boldly defied the powers that be. Ever since its founding, this great nation has courageously asserted its will, bravely tuning out the objections of the other nations of the world," Bush said at the speech's conclusion. "I urge you today, do not let that legacy die. Allow us to continue our long-standing tradition of getting our way."

    Global reaction to Bush's plan has been mixed, with 56 percent of Americans in support and 100 percent of non-Americans strongly opposed.







    Link The Onion
    Add a link to The Onion on your site.



    © Copyright 2002, Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. Contact Us Help/FAQ Privacy Policy Media Kit
    The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
     
  2. Google AdSense Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  3. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    23,049
    this IS a joke isn't it?

    not even Bush is THAT stupid, is he?
     
  4. Google AdSense Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  5. spookz Banned Banned

    Messages:
    6,390
    dear lord

    The Onion - America's Finest News Source™
    Description: Humor/Satire magazine
     
  6. Google AdSense Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  7. Don H Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    642
    MY PARODY OF THE ONION

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  8. VAKEMP Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    679
    www.theonion.com - funny

    LOL!

    I like The Onion!

    Funny stuff!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  9. VAKEMP Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    679
  10. bbcboy Recovering christian Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,104
    Not really connected but I once assisted in surgery to extract an onion from some guys bum.
    Funny old world!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  11. TruthSeeker Fancy Virtual Reality Monkey Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    15,162
  12. Vortexx Skull & Bones Spokesman Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,242
    That's what we call a State of the Onion Address.

    Btw: what do you think about Powells role in the whole matter ?

    He is one of the very few advisors around Bush that seem to have around him at least some aura of respect and integrity by both friend foe in the international community and you would trust the man enough to buy a second hand car from him, I mean you wouldn't buy Cheneys or Rumsfeld old car would you ? It would probably use too much oil hehe and Wolvowitz car was probably used for demolition derby..

    Therefor Powell was one of the few people that could address the UN with some authority/credibillity if he speaks about WMD, question is, was Powell himself misled by inaccurate information or is he a the slickest used car salesman since henry kissinger?
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2004
  13. Konek Lazy user Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    140

Share This Page