Advise on proposal letter

Advise on ecuador letter

I'm gonna use your cumulative intelligence to help me out

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I'm going to ecuador in bout 10 days and my boss is willing to pay for some of my trip if I submit a request outlining my reasons. So I wrote this up, unsure about what he's looking for.

If you guys see something I should subract, or think there is more I should add, especially any overall opinions putting this in perspective for me, please tell.

thanks a lot

edit: giving this in 24 hours

 

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oh c'mon just a four word general thought to zap me into reality is all I need

 

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If I were your boss I wouldnt be convinced.

 

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Way too pretentious.

 

When I was writing it I kept trying to steer away from that, but as I wrote at as truthfully as possible that's what came out.

Would you suggest scrapping that second paragraph? Toning down my obligation in the first? I don't want to fill it with personal trivialities.

 

what would help you be more convinced?

 

Dear S&D

I'll tell you what you post your proposed letter exactly how you would put it to your boss and i will give you my view. Unfortunately i can not undertsand much from your rambling above.

A little word of advice, you ahve to give a reason why it may be good for your boss. what he would get out of it etc...

~~~~~~~~~~~
take it ez
zak

 

S&D

do you live in the USA or the UK

~~~~~~~~~
Take it ez
zak

 

Make it more based on perceived factual rationales and putative, direct personal benefits. Talk about practical experience, etc.

 

It would help if we knew what it is you do. If your boss is offering to pay for part of your trip he probably wants to know how doing so will result in you being a better employee. I know that when I pay for my employees education and vacation I am hoping that in doing so that employee will have improved, whether it be a chance to relax and unwind and come back to the job refreshed, new skills that they may be able to apply to their jobs, or a broader perspective and new ideas to bring to the table.

In this way we all benfit. My employees are happier, better educated, have more life experiences, all of which results in better employees. This certainly makes it a worthy investment.

~Raithere

 

I graduated high school and he was my comp sci teacher. He left the school and started up his own company and hired me as an intern that summer. Later, his graphic designer left so I took over for a few months.

I would have left earlier but I crashed a car and ended up working with him for an additional 5 months or so.

After I goto Ecuador I'm not working for him anymore, and he knows that. So he doesn't benefit through the company.

The only promise I had to make was to go to college afterwards.

hope this helps

 

I think this is the route Ill go for next iteration, as he is my boss not my sensei

 

US virginislands

 

Then I agree with Geoff. Explain how such a journey might help you focus your priorities, what you want to study, and what you want to get out of your college experience.

~Raithere

(edit) P.S.

Also how such a trip will be a learning experience in itself.

 

Well if thats the case then to Geoff you must listen..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take care
zak
and the best of luck

 

But of course.

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Geoff knows all. And what he doesn't know, Myuu does.

In all seriousness, target exactly what it is you expect to get from this, what benefit it's likely to reap. Are you down there for sampling too, or just for helping out with a project? If the former, explain how many samples you're going to get, and how much data you'll get from it. Be frank and optimistic.

 

From a prose stand point, get rid of the passive voice. Is this, are those– lame!

 

hmm interesting I never thought about that

is this what you mean?

would change to:

shoulda payed attention in high school

 

Neither.

It would change to:
"Contemplating my reasons to go to Equador reminds me..."

Do not use the verb of to be- am, is are, aren't, isn't, will be, etc. It makes for a boring read. Forms of to have- get, got, gotten, etc also weaken the message.

Write in the active voice- I feel, nature fascinates
It's difficult to do- I rarely bother to write in the active voice unless there's a grade involved.

Ridding your writing of the passive voice makes for much stronger prose, shortens phrases, and removes ambiguity.

btw, I'm currently pursuing a major in biology. I hope you don't get discouraged by the first couple years of acadmics when fulfilling the 200 level requirements. The great thing about science, though, are the opportunities to do it as a research assistant.
What schools are you looking at? What sort of biology are you thnking of doing?