17 Tips for Conspiracy Theorists (Note: The following was gleaned from a number of sources on Usenet alt.conspiracy). 1 - To ensure credibility among other hobbyists, you must have a four letter acronym for it that you can toss in to your message. Don't skimp on hyphens, either. A really good acronym will link at least two opposing forces. Ante-Rasta-Semitic Empire , Presby- terian Underground Tapir Zoo, and Kellogg's Necro-Orthodox Bungalow don't do this. Assume people know who you mean until specifically asked by someone. Jot down their name. 2 - Illicit connections between government, private, religious, business or criminal organisations form a significant part of any well formed conspiracy. It is no surprise then that these connections are shrouded in mystery. You just have to use what's available. Luckily you don't need too much to work with - two people from two separate organisations or groups being in the same town on the same day, week, or indeed at any time, or two different towns with similar names, latitudes, longitudes or sports stadiums is all the proof you need of 'something fishy going on'. 3 - Every organisation involved in a conspiracy has a secret organization within it, which probably contains further subgroups, who knows? These are known as 'star chambers', 'working parties'.or 'tea clubs'. Any meeting by any member of any organisation with any other member of the same organisation is also significant. Remember those names and dates, people! 4 - Avoid so called 'hard' evidence - this may be planted as disinformation by the conspiracy. If this evidence is brought to light you can be sure that whoever gets arrested, caught, shot or killed is an innocent 'patsy', and you don't want that on your conscience. 5 - Lack of any evidence to support your theory other than 'small hours' conjecture is almost certain proof that you are close to the truth. Only a highly organised group of conspirators would have the power to totally eradicate any trace of your raving's veracity. 6 - Under no circumstances try to pierce the veil of KNOB, PUTZ or ARSE by approaching the 'front' desk of one of your hated pet groups. It's not called a 'front' desk for nothing. These are professionals who are dedicated to whatever it is you are suggesting they are up to and once you reveal yourself to them you are finished. Car seat a bit lumpy? Burning sensation in the groin? You should never have staggered drunk into the lobby of the American Express building mumbling 'leave my ears alone you bastards' to the receptionist, the security guard manhandling you into the street as you check your flies for the third time in ten minutes. 7 - Never telephone anyone who might put you on hold. There's no good reason to sit with an electro-magnet controlled by SPECULUM up against your head for half an hour. 8 - OdD CApitaliZAtion seems pathetic to most - but UNIX (four letters!! Accident?) is case sensitive, or so I'm told, so stick with it just in 'case'. 9 - If you see, hear, or learn of anything that seems to point to the conspiracy, you were supposed to. 10 - Numbers are key. Dates, ages, addresses, invoice numbers, test scores, might be clues revealed by members of the conspiracy who wish for some reason to betray their colleagues. Are you going to trust someone who swears a bloody oath with his or her trousers spattered with holy water while the High Dragon rubs the serene book of truth on his head in accordance with the age old rituals, and then spills the beans? A bastard like that? 11 - We count in decimal, lists are often ten this, ten that, because we have ten fingers, we are told in school. But two of these 'fingers' are thumbs. If you walked up to someone in the street, showed them your thumb and said 'look at my finger' they would walk around you as if you were some kind of casualty. If they thought you said 'pull my finger' in which case they would think you were some kind of adolescent prankster or jape monkey hula. 12 - So why aren't bananas straight? Cucumbers can mostly manage it, mostly. 13 - My car parking space is number 13. I don't have a car, so somebody else parks there. 14 - If you need 14 tips you will never uncover any kind of conspiracy, you loser. 15 - Never ignore information you are told is irrelevant, pointless or wrong, even if called a loser. 16 - No one will take you seriously if at least one in four of your posts isn't absurdly long. 17 - The person who gave me this list said one of these tips is the absolute and unvarnished truth.
Yes I "D I D"............... and that reason was all about the way you potray yourself to matters that others take more serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moreover; ...<font face=Tachoma font size=18 color=red> "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"!!</font> [This message has been edited by Time/02112 (edited October 12, 2000).]
